grandma..

watching her lying down beside me, feel a lil 'sam suin'.. what is playing around in old folks mind? looking at her, i didn have the feeling she is sleeping soundly.. sometime i didn even know if she is breathing that i will check and look around her chest to make sure that she is breathing.
recently, one of my close friend, she mention to me that her grandma is ill. not being able to recognise her, not being able to consume anything. tear will struggle wanted to come out from the corner of my eye.
i will think, what will happen when that happen to my grandma?
she being one of the reason i am not leaving to oversea yet.. having my uncle keep reminding me, if i go to oversea, something happen to my grandma, i will regret for not being there.. it stung my heart and finally, it successfully making me withdrawing my decision of exploring the world until further age.
i wonder what it is feel like for getting old? what did my grandma feel? does she still worry of her child? does she finally able to leave her child? does she feel lonely? does she feel useless? does she feel we abandone her? does she scare?? scare of death? i know i will get this answer when i grow older. apparently, i kinda feel like, i didn wanna get older. (though i know lots people thinking the same, i am just SCARE)