chyeli should move on

millions of words in the dictionary but i couldn find one to help in describing my feeling. i know everyone is around me. friends is everywhere. i just didn know how to share anymore. it is something they cant do to help making me feel better. what should they say? "come on, dun be like this. she will be fine?" but who know what will happen in the future. come on.. i am not stupid. in situation like this, i think beside the doctor, i dun think i wish to hear "she will be fine" from anyone else..

nothing i can do to change the fact of what is happening. i know sooner or later i will just have to face it. and since i didn have anyone to spill things (well, frens, dun get offended. i didn mean not telling u guys. it is just, there aren anything there for u guys to tell me. i am just saving u guys all the embarassing moment. i dun think u guys wanna say "dun worry, she will die.." i am cool with it. i didn wan explanation. i just need a channel to express what i hide in me. family been going through a lot too. i dun think i wanna burden them with the fact i cant accept?

taking a deep breath, i am going to exhale everything negative that come across my mind this 2 days..

1. no one know whether grandma will be fine. it is all depending on grandma and the god. since i cant change anything with the god. i do think i can change what my grandma think

2. no more stupid superstitious thinking. no more ghost month thinking. no more black shadow in the hospital.

3. no more being selfish when it is better for her to let go. we are keeping her mainly for ourself. because we didn wanna go through the pain and sadness she is leaving. but with the staying, if she do have to go through a lot, aren we torturing her? i love her lots. therefore, i didn wanna be selfish. i will let u go when the time is here.

taking deep breath.. inhaling good and positive energy power.. now, exhaling all the sad and moody and the negative thought.. fresh air come.. good thinking come.. negative go.. sad things go too..

love u grandma.. please bless her??