cloudy chyeli

i visited my grandma after not seeing her for awhile. I know bz is not an excuse, i just didn have enough will power to make it happen to visit her frequently and it is obviously my bad. Well, since it has already happen, i could not do anything to rewind the time and redo. will try to make up in the future.

Granny like angry at me today. she was sleeping when i reach. i sat down quietly beside her and hold her hand. looking at her make me have a sourish feeling. watching her sleep making me imagining that she watch me before when i am young. I must have wake her up when i hold her hand. she slowly open her eye and look at me, taking her time to think who am i, i guess. then she make noise and hold my hand tighter. i know she must have been scolding me about not visiting her. i look at her and then start updating her things that i have not been telling her. about my work, my love, my study and my life. after finishing i went and take the diary my uncles kept on her daily diet and activities. i wanna be a part of her life too. i know she wanted to tell me lots thing but she cant tell me now. i read the diary to know what she is doing last 2 mths. i realise i miss a lot. i didn know she missing one teeth where she might have eaten it. i didn know she bitten her tongue twice in the 2 mths me not visiting and i didn know she is having backsore. right then, i feel i am seriously a really bad grandchild. without realising my tear drop. granny is looking at me and she make noise like she know that book talk about her and i am reading it and it make me sad. she hold my hand and squeeze them as if she is telling dun cry and things will be fine. Granny has always been a really tough women. she hardly cry no matter what happen. Mum say she did not shed tears when my grandpa pass away too.
i really miss her. i stay for awhile more and i went home. While driving home, memories flashing in my mind. I really miss the lady sleeping beside me. I really miss her. I somehow really angry why is god doing this to her. I know she is suffering and she could not do anything at all. Sometime it make me sad that her tongue bleed cause it make me wonder if she is trying to commit suicide. That is what paralyse patient did rite? Why does she have to endure this? I love my granny too much to be strong enough to watch all this.. it really tearing me apart. it really did...